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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29399187">End of everything</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendurr/pseuds/Elendurr'>Elendurr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chicago Med</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Can be just Will/connor being friends too, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Not Beta Read, Will Halstead has ptsd, Will/natalie is mentioned, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:34:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,079</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29399187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendurr/pseuds/Elendurr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Will feels lost.<br/>Connor help's him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Will Halstead/Connor Rhodes (Chicago Med), Will Halstead/Natalie Manning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>End of everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey! So first of all, Will is kinda ooc, but like, i don't really care, since this was kinda a vent fic and I just love writing sad/hurt Will Halstead.<br/>I wrote this mainly to myself, i wasn't planning on publishing this anywhere since English isn't my native language and I'm too socially awkward to ask anybody to beta. But, I hope it isn't too hard to read if you read this *shrugs*. I have a pile of Chicago med fic's in my folder, i might clean them up a bit and post them here too, but we shall see.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>.</p>
<p>..</p>
<p>Will doesn’t remember much from his time in witness protection, it was hazy mist of sadness, regret and anxiety. When he dreamt, it was about the day in the warehouse. He would wake up gasping for air, still feeling the warm blood of Tommy dripping down his face.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was glad to be back, he just felt exhausted, not physically, just all the other ways. He couldn’t bring himself to be happy to see Nat again. Their relationship felt like a carousel going around and around never leading anywhere but dizzying circle of hurt. They weren't good for each other, he had noticed; they fight over everything, Will would end up hurting Nat, and Nat would return the favor and Will would apologize to her. So, they would go on and on and on.</p>
<p>   </p>
<p>So, when Natalie gave him the engagement ring back, he felt relief. He still cared about Nat, but this was for better. He just has no idea what he should do now.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After Natalie left, Will sat down to a bench at front of the hospital. It was snowing and it was cold. To Will it felt like everything ended at that warehouse. Coming to work didn’t feel the same anymore, he didn’t feel safe when he walked down the street, he barely slept, he didn’t really go to the Molly’s anymore.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His life cycled around Jay’s sofa and the hospital.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His surprised when he feels himself tearing up, he blinks the tears away. He should go, he really should go. He has an early morning the next day, he needs to work.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Doesn't he? </p>
<p> </p>
<p> Everything felt so numb, so unimportant. He wanted to feel important again, he swallows the sob trying to break from him. He doesn’t break, Halstead men didn’t break.  </p>
<p>His toes are getting numb, he should get up, he doesn’t.  </p>
<p>He can feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, it's probably Jay asking where he is, but he doesn’t answer the phone, he wants to, but he can't, why can't he? His worrying his brother for no good reason, why can't he do things right. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Will?’’, says the warm voice behind him, and Will really wants to turn and look at him, but he can't. He squeezes his hands to fists, it spread some warmth to his fingers. He had forgotten his gloves.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are footsteps getting closer to him, Will blinks and he sees Connor kneeling in front of him. When did he get there? His looking at him with his blue sparkling pools of eyes that are now rimmed with worry. Will feels selfish. Connor takes his hands to his, and starts warming them up, Will blinks at that, he hadn't realized how cold he felt.  </p>
<p>‘’What's going on?’’, Connor asks, he sounds worried, he shouldn’t be, his fine. Will shrugs. </p>
<p>Wills phone stars buzzing again, Connor looks at his pocket and then at Will, but Will doesn’t make a move to answer the phone. The other man reaches towards his pocket, and gently pulls the phone out. ‘’It's your brother’’, Connor states, and Will doesn’t say anything to that, he knows its Jay, he knows he shouldn’t worry him, but he just feels so exhausted.  </p>
<p>Connor answers the phone, Will closes his eyes. He feels shame, he doesn’t listen to the call, but he can bet Connor is making up lies for him, because his kind. His always so kind to him, when he shouldn’t be. Maybe in another life, Will could have been a great person, a person that could have admitted his feelings for his coworker, instead of making him worry and make him angry and disappointed in him, maybe in that life he would have kissed him when he saved his dad.  </p>
<p>‘’I told him you were with me, and that you’ll spend the night at my place’’, Connor speaks again at him, there's his hand again holding his hands. Will opens his eyes, and the man is once again looking at him with his beautiful eyes. If Will wasn’t a Halstead, he would have cried.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Let's go to my car’’, Connor says and gets up, he gently tugs Wills hands, and for his own surprise he gets up, his legs shake, but his standing up. Connor pulls him along across the parking lot, it makes Will feel like a kid. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor’s car warms up quickly, the air conditioner is blasting warm air to Wills face, he feels like his skin is on fire. He glances at the car’s clock, and sure enough, he had spent two hours sitting on that bench. To him it had felt like thirty minutes at the most. They spend the car ride in silence, Will lets his head rest against the cold window, he closes his eyes.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s a knock on the window, Will opens his eyes, its Connor.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He straightens himself and Connor opens the door, he offers his hand to Will and Will takes it. Again, being pulled along like misbehaved child at the supermarket. It felts good to let somebody else take the charge of him, if only someone would permanently take hold of him, and make him live his life.  </p>
<p>Connor’s apartment is warm too, Will squints as Connor turns the light on. He looked around, it looked and felt like a hotel, one of the fancy ones that he couldn’t afford. Everything looks so untouched, so unlived. He wonders if Connor spends time here at all.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The other man is leading him again, now its towards his bedroom.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s a big room, there is a king size bed that looks like it would feel like heaven on his back, and one of the walls is just full-on window, that gives the view of Chicago's skyline. The city is plastered with lights, it looks pretty at night, Will thinks.  </p>
<p>‘’Sweatpants and sweater’’, Connor says and pushes the clothes towards Will, who looks at the clothes, then at Connor, he raises his hands and takes them. Connor is pulling him along again, Will just let’s him.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The bathroom is spacious too, there's shower and a bathtub. Connor starts filling the bathtub, and Will stands there at the middle of the bathroom, wondering why he was at Connors apartment. Surely it would have been easier to the man to just leave him at the bench or drive him to Jay’s.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’The bath is ready’’, Connor snaps him back from his thoughts.  </p>
<p>He takes the clothes from Wills hands and puts them on the toilet seat.  </p>
<p>‘’Can you undress yourself or do you need help?’’, Connor asks kindly, his not mocking him at all, Will wants to say something, he even feels his lip twitch, but he just can't.  </p>
<p>‘’Okay’’, Connor nods.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor moves closer to him, and he starts removing his clothes slowly, Will raises his hands as he ask’s, Will doesn’t have the energy to feel embarrassed by this, maybe the next day, or weeks from here he will think about this moment and feel the agonizing shame, but now, he just goes along with whatever Connor asks. He sees Connor hesitate when his only wearing socks and underwear, Will moves his hands slowly to pull his underwear down, he moves so very slowly, like a machine out of oil. He sits down to the toilet seat to remove his socks.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Okay good, get up’’, Connor asks, and he does. Connor puts his hand on his back and gently guides him to the bathtub. The water is nice and hot, its smells like flowers, apparently Dr. Rhodes likes bubble baths. Will pulls his legs to his chest and turns to look at Connor.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After all the things that happened this night, this is what makes the other man blush, it makes Will confused. ‘’I’ll go order pizza to us, I'll be back in a moment’’, the man's quips and his out of the room.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will sits in the hot water, letting his body warm up once again, if only the bath could wash away the past months, if only it could clean the warm blood off his face. Will closes his eyes, trying to force himself to think something else, anything else was fine. Only thing he can see is Tommy’s blank face staring back at him after Jay shot him, he would feel the warm trickle of blood. For a moment he thought it was his.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Footsteps again, Will opens his eyes and Connor is there, as if he could feel that Will wasn’t okay, He sits down to the tile floor besides the bath. Will turns his head to look at Connor. His eyes felt like home, Will thought to himself, it was the closest thing he had gotten to a home since he came back.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Do you want to wash your hair?’’, Connor asks eventually, and Will blinks at that, he doesn’t remember when he had washed his hair. It wasn’t that he didn’t go to shower, it was more like he didn’t remember anything from the past weeks his been back.  </p>
<p>Connor is now on his knees, pouring shampoo to his hair, he puts the bottle down and starts to spread the shampoo to his hair. It feels nice, so intimate, it felt like love. Like someone cared for him. He closes his eyes once again; he had felt the same burning sensation in his eyes. Will is pretty sure Connor has spread the shampoo some time ago, but the other man keeps gently moving his hands through his hair.  </p>
<p>Connor gets up to take the shower head, ‘’Close your eyes’’, Will can feel his lip trying to form a smile, his eyes were already closed. Gentle stream of water washed over his hair, and he could feel the familiar hand moving through his hair, making sure all the soap was out.  </p>
<p>‘’Get up’’, Connor tells him, and slowly he rises from the water, there’s a big grey towel around him as he steps to the warm tile floor. Connor has another towel that he uses to dry Will’s hair, as Will has a fulltime job holding the towel around himself.  </p>
<p>‘’I guess that is as good as it gets’’, Connor muses and looks at Wills unruly hair that is dry-ish.  </p>
<p>The doorbell rings, and Connor leaves the bathroom.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will moves slowly and reaches for his boxers, slowly he pulls them on back again, his limbs felt heavy from the bath. He wants to cry, he really does, he should be fine. He should be able to do things on his own, he shouldn’t be this tired.  </p>
<p>Connor is back to the room, he eyes him, as if he can see that Will had once again made himself upset over nothing. Connor doesn’t say anything, he just walks to him and starts to help him with the rest of the clothes. The clothes smell like Connor, Will realizes, such a comforting smell.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Water or beer’’, Connor asks holding up two bottles. Will looks at the water bottle, he doesn’t remember when he last drank water, or anything at all. ‘’Okay’’, Connor nods.  </p>
<p>There’s a glass of water and two pizza slices front of him when Connor is done. He sits to the chair next to him with his food. Will raises his hands slowly to take the glass, his hands tremble little under the watchful eyes of Connor, but Will manages to drink without spilling the water everywhere.  </p>
<p>He lowers the glass back to the table; he looks at the pizza. He doesn’t remember when he last ate either. He takes a slice and starts to nibble it. Connor seems satisfied and turns to eat too.  </p>
<p>In the end, Will only manages to eat one slice. But Connor doesn’t look hurt by it, he puts the remaining slices to the fridge. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor is tugging him along again, now they are headed back to his bedroom.  </p>
<p>‘’You can take the bed, I'll sleep on the couch’’, Connor explains and moves the blanket on the bed so Will can go under it. Will moves his hand and holds Connor's wrist.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He needs him to stay, he doesn’t want to be alone.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’What?’’, Connor asks.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will looks at Connor.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually the other man nods, understanding the silent message.  </p>
<p>Connor moves to the bed and Will follows. The lie side by side facing each other. The mattress is as soft as Will though it would be, the sheets smell like mix of laundry detergent and Connor. Will felt comfortable, he felt safe. He keeps looking into Connors eyes, as if he would disappear if he looked away. The other man keeps looking at him, eyes searching, Will doesn’t know what his searching but he hopes he finds it.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will closes his eyes.  </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>..</p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will sits up in the bed as he wakes up gasping for air, the gun shot echoes in his ears making him deaf, the blood trickles down his face, its warm he can taste it, he hates it, he wants to leave, he want- </p>
<p>‘’Will’’, there’s a hand on his shoulder.  </p>
<p>Will flinches and turns his head to look at the direction of the voice, its Connor, sweet kind Connor looking at him such a worry. Will wants to break, he wants to just quit fighting the urge to cry, he wants to feel like himself again, he wants to be happy again, he wants to feel like he matters, that life matters. His breath hitches, he feels like he can't breathe, he feels shaky.  </p>
<p>‘’Hey, hey, breathe’’, Connor tells him, but Will can barely hear him, that scares him, he needs to hear him, only Connor can make him feel safe again, he needs to hear him.  </p>
<p>Connor hand is again on his shoulder, Will doesn’t flinch this time, he lets Connor pull him to a hug, he lets Will bury his face to his chest and hold on to him like a lifeline. Will can feel himself starting to crack and break, a sob escapes from his lips, he wants to bite his lips to keep any noise for leaving, but his just so tired. Tears come soon after, his full-blown crying on Connor's chest, he feels all the pain, sleepless nights, the panic the fear, all that seeping out of him as he cries.  </p>
<p>Connor strokes his hair in a calming manner, he holds him so gently, he cries harder, gasping for air, eyes burning from all the tears.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’It's going to be alright’’, Connor whispers, ‘’it's going to be alright’’.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will wants to believe him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Connor is moving again, making him lie down, even though Will is holding on to him, he manages to do that. Connors arms reach around him again, and his once again resting against the other man's chest. Will turns his head so he can press his ear against his chest, he listens to the cardiothoracic heart.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thud, thud, thud, he loves this man, thud thud.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’I’m sorry’’, Will rasps out, ‘’Sorry’’. He needs Connor to know that, he has many things to be sorry about. His sorry that his bothering Connor, his sorry his so needy, that his complicated, his sorry that he didn’t tell him before it was too late that he loves him, his sorry that he said so many unfair things to him, his sorry that he wasn’t a better friend.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’It's all right’’, Connor says uncertain, he doesn’t understand what Will means, but Will thinks it's all right, he can apologize better later, he just felt the need to say it right now.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>..</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>..</p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Will opens his eyes again, Connor isn't next to him anymore, and the sun is shining painfully to his eyes. he squints and turns his face away from the window. He felt better, everything wasn’t so foggy anymore, he felt like could breathe again.  Will couldn't even remember the last time he felt so ...safe.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Morning sunshine’’.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will sit’s up and looks at the door where Connor was standing, ‘’Morning’’, he says quietly.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>That makes Connor smile. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘'I called Goodwin and told her we are having few days off’’, Connor tells Will as he lies back down to the bed next to Will.  </p>
<p>‘’Okay’’, Will whispers, it made sense. He didn’t feel like moving at all, he shouldn’t be working at all, he wouldn’t be a good doctor right now. He knows he is a good doctor when his functioning like a human, but now he barely felt like he was alive.  </p>
<p>‘’How do you feel?’’.  </p>
<p>Many lies pass Will's mind, it was almost second nature to him to lie about these things, he didn’t like making people worry, and often he wondered if people really cared about the truth.  </p>
<p>He tries to come up with an honest answer, how is he feeling? Can he pin it down to a one word? Is his bone aching exhaustion just a one word? Is there a word to the way his feeling right now?  </p>
<p>‘’Tired’’, Will mutters, it’s not the perfect word, but a section of his emotional wellness.  </p>
<p>‘’Sad’’, he continues, ‘’exhausted, numb, lost, stupid, trapped’’, he keeps adding words.  </p>
<p>‘’Safe’’, he whispers, it’s the last word, it’s the one that counts the most, it's what Connor makes him feel, ‘’you make me feel safe’’. Connor looks surprised by this admission, but smiles a little, he reaches out and holds Will’s hand.  </p>
<p>‘’I'm glad’’, his so kind Will thinks, he must have something else to do than this, whatever this is. Will moves his free hand to rest on top Connors, he traces his skin with his fingers, such soft skin.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’What happened?’’, Connor speaks quietly. Will can feel his eyes watching his every move and expression. What had happened? A lot. ‘’<strong>Warehouse</strong>’’, Will says, it’s the place he feels he can pin it all on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe it had been a cumulation of many events, but what happened there, was the end of it all.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’But last night, what happened?’’, Connor ask again. He was confused by his answer, Will though. Understandable, he didn’t see the same map of events Will did, he didn’t see how it all lines up to that day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Nat left me’’, Will starts, ‘’I was relieved, but it was the last thing I had’’.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘’Well then, you need to find new thing’s’’, Connor says after a while of silence, Will looks at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> The other man made it sound so simple, so easy, but he couldn’t help but feel comforted by those words.  </p>
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